Thursday, March 26, 2009

Writer's Workshop-Childhood and Foiling the 'Magic Hat'

One of the things I look forward to the most is Mama Katt's writer's workshop. This week she has come up with several interesting prompts. They are:

1.) Somebody I'm praying for....

MckMama's family.

2.) I don't believe in prayer because...

Um...not applicable for me.

3.) What are you putting off right now?

Grading papers...a lot of papers.

4.) You can go back to your childhood for one day. What day and age do you choose?

5.) Your friend tells you he can pick up any girl at the bar, no matter what he says. You bet him $100 he can't. Create the world's worst pick up line and send your friend off into the crowd. What happens?

Since I neglected my studies and did not turn in my homework last week, I am choosing two of Mama Katt's prompts...hopefully I will get extra credit for them.

4. Select a day in childhood, what age and day do I choose?

The year was 1983. I was in middle school and a bit on the nerdy side. (Okay, scrawny, coke bottle glasses with Buddy Holly glasses, and social awkwardness...if the dictionary had a picture of the word nerd, my mug would've been published.) Anyways, the day would be in late October as 95 pound weakling young Lane was playing football. They had moved me off the line and I was playing backup full back. It was hard to place me in a position with my unique skill set.

I was small, but I was slow.

As in all great stories, I was given a chance to play because the starting fullback got banged up. So, knowing that I was not the best of all blockers (kind of why they took me off the line) the coach decided to run the '23 counter' which in this play I would get the ball on a kind of reverse. For some reason, putting me with the ball was less risky than letting me block. I guess with reasoning such as this is why this coach only coached middle school and never went on to bigger and better things.

Well, for TWO consecutive plays I ran like a man possessed. First play, I went nine yards before a guy caught me by my shoestrings. If he missed I was off to the races...which knowing my lack of speed, I would've lost.

Then he let me run again. I missed the tackler this time and was running up the sideline. Fifteen yard gain!! At the end of the drive, we scored a touchdown. But, we rean the '23 counter' for the two point conversion which I scored on. (I was knocked across by a rather large teammate and saw stars for probably two minutes)

I wish I could say that this was the beginning of my running back career and that I found the postion on the field that was mine. But, it didn't. The starter was back the next drive and I was back on the bench. I played football for six years on the middle school and high school teams and success was few and far in between for me. It was more of a test to see if I could finish out the season more than enjoyment. However, for that drive I found enjoyment and a great deal of it.

5.) Your friend tells you he can pick up any girl at the bar, no matter what he says. You bet him $100 he can't. Create the world's worst pick up line and send your friend off into the crowd. What happens?

Since I'm in to time travel today, I'm going to imagine myself back at Tarleton State University, circa early 1990's. I had a friend named 'Dexter' (not the name he would choose to use) who wore what we all acknowledged as 'The Hat of Magic'. It was a black cowboy style hat that looked similar to one George Strait threw on when he went singing. As my friend was thin, six foot three and wore boots, the George Strait image definitely was portrayed when we went bar-hopping. As the hat went on, his persona was complete. He was a veritable 'Funky Cole Medina' to girls at the ol' Dodge House that used to be the cowboy/cowgirl hangout.

Realizing such a powerful Talisman existed with the headwear, if the mighty 'Dex' brought out the bet, I feel my anti-aphrodisiac abilities would be equal to the challenge.

This how I would imagine the night would go. Clint Black would be singing the song 'Better Man' and the beer would be flowing. Girl's dressed in feminine rural attire would be drinking, smoking, and dancing. I would be the odd man out as I look stupid in a cowboy hat and boots hurt my feet. So, my role would be only as spectator. As the darkness, the sound, and the seemingly endless supply of Bud Lite began to work in Dex, he would proclaim his challenge to the world. 'With this hat, I am the most wanted man in here.' Or probably he would say, 'Dude, I can nail any girl in this place!'

So, as we consider the stakes, we pick a seemingly wall flower like girl who would be somewhat in his league. I lean over and I whisper the line he must use as I walk over non chalantly to the side and watch the action. I feel the C-Note will be well spent just to hear the phrase that will be on the lips of my bud as he leaps into action.

The music goes silent as the Dex smiling, says one of these anti romantic lines.

A. Are you a Trekkie?

B. Do you know what 'menage a tois' means?

C. I have the nation's largest gay porn collection, would you like to see it?

D. You look like a movie star...did you double for Rosie O'Donnell or something?

E. I know you must recognize me, I was on the Jerry Springer show about ten times.

F. How much for just an hour of gooooodddd lovin'?

I win.


blueviolet said...

Those pick-up lines are absolutely horrible!

I love the football story. What an awesome memory from childhood!

Life with Kaishon said...

Those lines are TERRIBLE! Are you a Trekkie? So funny!

Love your football story too! I like how you would change it. Very nice.

Lissa said...

I've liked your writing from the get go. Your memories from the football field were very moving indeed. However it was the pick up lines that captured my heart and made me follow you.Your wife is one lucky gal:)

CJ said...

Both great stories.

Jill (Sneaky Momma) said...

These are hilarious! Thank goodness you didn't use any of these on me!!! Especially D. I would have cried for days! :)

Mama Kat said...

Those pick up lines are hilarious! And actually some of them (the less insulting ones) MIGHT actually work...they're different enough and if used on a girl with a sense of might be on to something here!! :)