Friday, August 28, 2009

First 5 Friday-They Say the Funniest Things

As we wade through the beginning of the school year, I decided to throw in some of the strangest things written or said by my former students. It's probably a post that should've been thrown in a while back, but hopefully you'll enjoy. For instance, this classic exchange which gained honorable mention.

Tennis Player: "Coach!! Coach!! I was winning!!!

Me: "Cool, what was the score?"

Tennis Player: "Three to three."

Me: (Stunned silence as I just stared.)

First 5 Strangest Things I Ever Heard A Student Say

5. "Ow...I hurt my knee". I know this doesn't sound weird...but please understand the young man was cradling his elbow at the time. From having him in class, I knew that he didn't know his ass from a hole in the ground, but I was surprised that he didn't know his elbow from his knee.

4. "I would go into town every weekend and get laid." This was a report on what the kids would do for fun if they lived in the 1800's. I was also told by his mom that seventh grade Ralph (not his real name in case the mom blogs) didn't have the slightest idea on what getting laid was. I made him do a report on the subject. I know it was more scientific, but hey, I wanted him to be informed.

3. "That's All-right...I got shotgun." This fine young man was going to alternative school for his extracurricular activities..and a few in school ones. He was told he was going to what basically educational prison in a police car. He wanted to get the seating chart correct for the squad car I guess.

2, "Bury the money under Moses." Okay, I'm cheating a bit. This one was a note written by a student of mine. The police gave this note to a friend of mine who was an English teacher who taught one of my students as well. Apparently, Tiffany (again, not real name), decided to do a little mischief during the Christmas Holidays. She and her she-gang stole the baby Jesus from a nativity display. The note said this: "We want $50 or you'll never see the baby again. Put the money under Moses." Yep, Moses...not Joseph.

1. "Didn't he circumcize the world?" Poor eighth grade Raquel thought she had answered a tricky review question. "What was Magellan famous for?" She threw out that gem and strangely enough, not many of the kids batted an eye. Well, except for my three 'brilliant ones' who all at once layed their heads down on the desk and enjoyed their own private laugh.

I hope you enjoyed this, I know I loved reliving it. Maybe this year, I'll have some new material to top these oldies.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Writer's Workshop-A Cat Caused Paranoia

I am honored to be a muse for the great Mama Katt's blog. In my few forays into the blogging world I have to say it's probably my biggest honor. Thanks, MK. For those that don't play the game, the rules are simple...she gives you five prompts. You pick one or five or one in between and right to your little heart's content.

1.) My animals are making me nuts.
(inspired by Jody from Take Me As I Am).


2.) List the 5 best things about the first day of school.
(inspired by Lane from Sneaky Daddy).

Um...just scroll below one story.

3.) Tell us about your crush.
(inspired by Lisa from Just Lisa, No Filler)

Such a fall season it was. I was a young lad whose teenage years had just begun and I had noticed a young girl. A very attractive young lady. As I watched, my head got weak and my stomach got weak. I longed to talk to her. I longed to go with her (you eighties ladies and gents know that term). Unfortunately, it was not to be.
Stephanie Powers was just a bit out of my league.

4.) How did you break it?
(inspired by Brandy from Not Your Average Soccer Mom)

It could've been many ways that I broke it,

I could've been mad and threw a fit.

I could've drank way to much bud lite,

or tied a string around it to fly it like a kite.

I could've acted silly or been really dumb,

I could've given it to a salesman or a bum.

But, I'm sure whatever I did to cause the crime,

The fault no doubt is totally mine.

5.) Show us a favorite summer craft.
(inspired by Kristin from The Way It Is)

I don't do crafts. I have no skills in this regard.

Now, the featured story. My Animal is driving me crazy.

This is P-Nut.

P-Nut the cat.

Cute isn't he? This bundle of cuteness, I believe, strives to piss me off as much as possible.

I'm getting ahead of myself. A little backstory to tell you how we were blessed with this eccentric feline. My wife's sister, Sneaky Sister-in-Law, owned P-Nut since he was a kitten. For years he lived in semi paradise in an apartment with SSIL and another cat...Butthead. To the rest of the Sneaky Household, he was an antisocial rodent that meowed. He hid when people came over and had loose bowel syndrome seemingly on command.

Disaster happened in P-Nut's life. SSIL found true love and was married. But, P-Nut's world was rocked as change continued to visit. The death of the ancient Butthead and the fact that the new little darling in their house, Sneaky Nephew, was allergic to cats. What to do..what to do?

In our household and really all over Texas, the rodent population doubled like something Moses would've done to Pharoah. Our field next door was teaming with mice. We found several in our garage and knew that we had to do something before they reached inside. In short, we needed a cat.

It was a match made in heaven for everyone...except for P-Nut. Now, he had to deal with change. Oh, and two mobile girls who love to pull his tail. But, both parties were satisfied with the arrangement. The weird thing is, soon P-Nut was happy.

He has been probably the best pet my girls could've had. No matter what they do to him he never fights back. He'll run and hide or go into the garage, but he never scratches. Plus, in a few hours time he is back in ready for more. (Case in point, he and eldest are cuddling on the girl's Dora couch watching Yo Gabba Gabba)

Unfortunately, his interaction with me is less than cute. I have stepped on two of his land mines that he has left on my path to the bathroom. (Once around 6AM) I think I saw him wink as he evaded my attempts at justice.

My foot also seems to be a fun, challenging target. Especially when my feet are under the covers of our bed. Especially in the dark. Nothing feels quite the same as waking up from your drowsyness with a fork stabbing your big toe. The last time it happened he caught me before I was asleep. He was catapulted pretty far as I used his furry butt as a soccer ball. GOAL!!!!

He likes to use our couch as a scratch pad...EXACTLY at 12:37AM almost every night. I even bought a scratch pad for him to use. He loves it...except at 12:37AM.

His final strategy for complete destruction of my sanity is to meow very loudly at 6:00Am on random days..usually Saturday. He will continue this until I get up. Then we play chase. I rarely win chase.

Again, he's lucky he's cute.

Thanks, Mama Katt for the prompts. Tune in tomorrow as First 5 Friday takes a kids say the weirdest things approach. It's well worth the read.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

First 5 Friday (Saturday)

School starts next Monday for most of us in the Lone Star State. But, although there is dread, I would like to take the three of you that read this and my wife, back to a time when you were a little tyke.

First 5 Best Things About the First Day of School

5. The Clean Slate-You get to start fresh. If you were a dweeb, you can be Joe Cool. If you had troubles in school the year before, you have at least one teacher who has never met you. You can be the Fonz or even Ritchie Cunningham if you wish.

4. The smell of the grass-It is usually freshly cut. It does have a waning scent of Spring revisited, but it's there. You can smell it especially right before the first football game (see below) as the greatest spectator sport on earth begins.

3. Shopping-Mainly the ladies love this, but it is cool to be wearing fresh clothes that had just gotten detagged. It will take at least until October before I would ruin them.

2. Football-No need to clarify, is there?

1. A chance to see old friends-Because I lived in the country, I didn't see my school buds There is so much wrong with facebook, but the one thing I enjoy is catching up with people I haven't seen. In fact, I actually caught up with a girl I haven't seen in almost twenty years.

School is a time of dread and anxiety for your kids, no matter how tall or small. The teachers sometimes feel the same sense of foreboding as they try to guide the unknowing into the unknown. Please enjoy the ride, the bumps and the scrapes. Without these, your kid probably wouldn't be educated to the fullest.

Good luck this school year and God bless.

Next First 5 should be worth a look next week, so tune in next week for a "Kid's say the darnedest things" edition..

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Writer's Workshop-The Better Late Than Never Edition

Beginning school blues pushed me past my deadline, but what the heck...better late than never right? Thanks, Mama Katt for allowing us an outlet to play in.

1.) What will you be doing now that the kids are back in school?
(inspired by Michelle from Honest And Truly)

Total role reversal. In the Sneaky household, the Dad get's to go to school and the kids get to sleep in...hopefully.

2.) Things I have learned from my toddler.
(Inspired by Big Mama Cass from The World Through My Eyes).

The things I have learned from my toddlers that they told me, The pink kitties are the best kitties, 'cause they're so pretty. Never leave home without your b-b (Blanket) or your pet, Desert is always best first, no matter what you get.
While they like Hogan's Heroes, the beginning anyway, Phineas and Ferb is what they would watch any day. No matter what the pressures of my 'big boy life' entail, These two gals seem to never let me fail.

3.) What would you put in your favorite things giveaway?
(inspired by Jill from Scary Mommy who is having a favorite things giveaway right NOW! Check it out!!)

Movies-Rounders or Tombstone (I do love Scary Mommy's Can't Buy Me Love and Defending Your life) Books-Harry Potter Series. (If we could find book 7, a goblin got it)

4.) Hi, my name is ______ and I am a _______.
(inspired by Emmy from Emmy Mom One Day At A Time.)

Hi, my name is Lane and I am a facebookaholic. Please help. I need and Intervention. Mafia Wars, Vampire Wars, Fashion Wars (don't worry it hasn't become that bad). I play Farkle, Yahtzee, scramble, poker (for absolutely nothing). What did I do before I found Facebook?

5.) If these walls could talk...
(inspired by JennyMac from Let's Have A Cocktail)

Kitchen Walls: "Why does she let him cook? Stupid ass friggin' leaves a mess every time."

Living Room Walls: "Heck, she should make him vacuum instead of cook. His fat ass is sitting in front of the TV watching 'Top Chef', like he could make it.


The youngest girl's room's walls: "I'd wish they do something about the f-ing cat. I swear I'm gonna tumble down if he scratches at that door one more time. Sack of crap in fur hides from the girls all day, but when they are trying to sleep NOW he wants attention."

The Eldest girl's room's walls: "Would you guys please make'em quit yanking the Dora stickers off. I like'em..they're cool."

Cheers, All!

Tomorrow, late afternoon, First Five Friday begins the ranking of educational moments, norms, and impossibilities.

Friday, August 14, 2009

First 5 Friday-It's CARNY Time

Jill and I took the girls to the local Carny and never fails to disappoint. Well, I guess if your looking for cool rides, fair games, and a more 'scenic atmosphere' then..okay, it might disappoint. But, if you're looking for that, I say, change your attitude and look at all the Carny experience give.

FIRST 5 Coolest Things About Being at the Local Carnival.

5. Check out the folks! Man, we live in a rural town and the scene is nuts. Believe me every one is very nice, but our scene usually doesn't drift into rowdy element very often. Heck, I know people that go to the Carnival just to see who else will come.

4. The Sales Pitch-Don't play the games...seriously they're all rigged....everyone knows it. But, the pitch is awesome. "Hey, Dude...come over here and win a real prize." "Get a free four wheeler if you can cover up the Circle" (Impossible by the way) "Hey, get your girl something to be proud of." I know I should feel insulted about how stupid they must think I am...but I don't. It is some type of awesome skill to sell something that should be pretty much unsellable. It's a gift that even I can recognize.

3. The Rides-Not actually riding them, but watching them. Seriously, I'm not much of a rider, but especially when it comes down to the fact they put up and take those things down like a hundred times a year. That doesn't stop me from enjoying others as they soar in the air, screaming. You can watch old men turn into scared boys from the Carny folks.

2. The lights-Especially in the country areas of this world, lights don't come like that often. Maybe at Christmas, but when you see all those lights blinking it reminds you of an outside casino.

1. The kids-Yeah, you have that group dressed like hoochy mamas..but it is really cool to see the kids running around and having fun. From the kids my girl's age that look at wonder at the scene in front of them to the older teens walking around, holding hands with their dates, the Carnival is a break in the norm. With the people..the sounds...the sights...and the rides, the carnival coming to town is, for the small town guy and girl, one of the coolest weeks of the year .

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The Return of Writer's Workshop

The spiel is this...this carnival gives you several prompts to write on. You write and enjoy the memories, the moments, and the message that hopefully you have transported to others on this electronic medium. In layman's terms...dude, just write.

Thanks to Mama Katt for these prompts. My comments are in bold. I hope you enjoy!!

1.) Your trip to the ER...spill it.(inspired by Stephanie from This Blessed Life).`

Which time? I think in my home town they just renamed it the 'Lane Ward'. I was hurt in so many different and creative ways that I single handedly prepared our doctors of the time for any and everything. From having a frog induced injury to drinking plant food to eating a rare forty year old Brazillian nut can almost name it.

2.) "Why are American's obsessed with weight? Why are we always fighting or complaining about what is natural for our bodies?"(inspired by Jenn from Jenny Says What?)

I blame the Commies and rock n roll music.

3.) Describe one of your 'God Moments'.(inspired by Jordan from Wide Open Spaces)

This is one that I will describe later when I can write more to it and give it the attention I need to, but it is one that I have a great deal of feelings toward. January 1, 2000. My friend, Roby and I visited another friend, Grady, in San Antonio. As we hung out in a hotel downtown, the fireworks flashed and I noticed everyone watching them. I felt his presence in the presence of my friends and the beauty of the scene before me. I knew that for some reason this was a beginning and an end. That things wouldn't be the same again.

I was right.

Before the summer was done, one would be married and one would be gone. But, it was like God was telling me remember this moment and cherish it.

I do and I have.

4.) List ten things you would say to ten different people in your life...if you had the hutzpah.(inspired by Cassandra from Cassagram)

Sneaky Momma-Can we turn our garage into a casino?

Principal-Lesson Plans? What the hell are those?

Sonic-Did I order a hot apple pie? Did I? Tell ya what, when I want it I'll friggin' tell ya.

President Obama-So, you want to make sure that we unite the country, then the first thing you do is make abortion easier world wide....real smart.

Tom Brady-Did you sell your soul to the devil?

Tony Romo-If you did sell your soul, you should've checked with Tom first.

Phil Hellmuth-I can't believe that you don't get your ass kicked more.

Wade Phillips-Hey, if the Cowboy gig doesn't work out there is always voice overs as Hank Hill in a King of the Hill movie

Paulie Shore-How the hell did you star in a movie and I didn't?

Ed-The pills you're lookin' for are blue.

5.) Why is your kid in time out?(inspired by Sera from Laughing Through The Chaos)

Talking back...AGAIN.